I have learned throughout the years that to seriously improve my mental health (and thus my success in life), I need to have more faith in myself. I have also learned that my mental health (and success in life) has been adversely affected by insufficient faith in my spiritual Master, Sri Chinmoy, or God.
It is disturbing how little help I’ve gotten from the professional mental-health community on these two issues. (This only came from a licensed therapist I spoke to for a couple months — NEVER from a psychiatrist.)
According to the psychiatrists I’ve dealt with — and I’ve dealt with more than twenty, both here in Nova Scotia and in Toronto — only a drug from a pharmaceutical company would be the answer. Although Sri Chinmoy had said [in this question and answer] that the easiest way to overcome imperfection in ourselves “is through full, absolute faith in the Master.”
Had I maintained full, absolute faith in God or Sri Chinmoy (and myself), I wouldn’t have found fault with him when going through difficult experiences, particularly after going through divine punishment. I wouldn’t have behaved badly out of vengefulness. It would have been much easier for me to say, “It is for my own good.”
It is very difficult to say “It is for my own good” when you don’t have faith that that’s the case. And there were many times my ego was too insulted that I did not WANT to say that, such as when I was triggered by a close family member’s insult and turned my upset thoughts toward my inner spiritual guide (God) in 2017.
The tone of her voice suggested I didn’t know something that I did know and that any idiot would know, obviously completely not clued in with respect to my actual intelligence, and I overreacted.
I would not have been insulted and triggered by this family member’s insult if I had enough faith in myself and God. And I would not have turned my upset thoughts toward God had that type of thinking not become a habit over the years. I started going down the wrong path of getting upset with God many years ago in response to divine punishment and challenging karma.
But because I got into a car accident during this incident as a result of my negative attitude, I now have to challenge an NCR (Not Criminally Responsible) decision against me by a forensic psychiatrist I’ll call Dr. Potlick. An NCR decision, in my view, is worse than being given the minimum sentence from the criminal justice system (a $1,000 fine and a one-year driving suspension) because Dr. Potlick claimed I have schizophrenia, a label that completely misrepresents me that could stick with me for life.
I will begin disputing Dr. Potlick’s NCR decision in the Nova Scotia Supreme Court in Halifax in late July or early August 2019. Although I have no history of violence or a criminal record, I am being threatened with the possibility of being forced to go on a potent antipsychotic drug. If I refuse, I’ll be forced to stay at the East Coast Forensic Hospital in Dartmouth.
I have been going through a Dark Night of the Soul, with an inability to meditate properly since 1997. This is one reason I’ve had insufficient faith in God during difficult experiences/emotional pain. Severe spiritual dryness during my every waking moment began in the latter half of 2012. Another reason is because of the mire I’ve been in, which involves a lot of false accusations and mistreatment. There have been times I blamed it on God. I learned to do this because that’s what I learned growing up.
That doesn’t mean I haven’t made progress.
Spiritual Progress During Spiritual Dryness
It has become apparent to me in recent years that I have been making spiritual progress without the help of deep meditation.
Despite spiritual improvements, I still had insufficient faith in God because when I got discouraged, which happened whenever I felt like I wasn’t making any inner or outer progress, my mind drifted into blaming Him. Not all the time, but sometimes. Too often, anyway. Like when I was emotionally hurt by false accusations from people like my parents, or from psychiatrists like Dr. Nelson — the psychiatrist who naysaid and lectured me during almost every session. Then, because I felt hurt, I found fault with my Master as a way to punish him. I wrongly perceived that he was an easy target, or that everything was his fault. It is hardly a problem with me anymore, but that is mostly thanks to the progress I’ve been making.
I’ve experienced my Master heal various ailments of mine, such as a sore back and a throat problem. But would anyone believe that he healed me? My family doctor probably wouldn’t. Definitely not my parents. And certainly not Dr. Nelson, the psychiatrist I had been meeting with since 2013 solely to get a letter for the Family Court so that I could help my daughter through a legal process regarding the emotional neglect she’d been going through. She accused me of being delusional: that my entire multi-volume memoir is a delusion, my attempt to help my daughter is a delusion, and my faith that I have an inner relationship with God also a delusion. She claimed that I am so mentally ill that I have no insight.
For some reason, Dr. Nelson and Myth Nimson, the occupational therapist who sat in on all our sessions, could not understand why saying stuff like the above to me — and just simply my having to deal with them in the first place — would agitate me out. I snapped at them a couple of times after being offended, or when sessions drifted into the stress that built up because I would imagine telling them off but never being able to get through to them. This kind of thinking sometimes caused my mind to direct my anger toward God.
This guy seemed to know, however, why this would stress me out:
No psychiatrist has ever said anything remotely similar to me.
The psychiatrists caused me mental health problems by causing me to question myself.
No mental health professional picked up on that.
And yet, I am the one who has no insight.
Am I so deluded that I am still having problems with sore back and throat, but I don’t even realize it? That would be the kind of false accusation I’ve gone through from Dr. Nelson.
And only I know how much of a miracle it is. How bad these issues were before compared to how they are now.
Is ‘What If I Fail?’ a Delusive Way to Think?
While questioning and scrutinizing the logic of going through with this article and other articles, I stumbled upon a Facebook post by a fitness coach friend of mine. The post was about how she was afraid of failing before she ever began her fitness regimen. I was having those same thoughts before starting this blog.
So, I left the following comment on her post:
The following private Facebook conversation with my fitness coach friend, who had done some fitness coaching for me in the past, began shortly after:
Hey Jacob. Just seen your comment. Whats up?
Hey friend. I was talking about my plans to start a blog. So, I found your post inspiring. The fitness part I can do. I just gotta get past the lethargy and unwillingness and to make it more of a priority
Ah. I feel you will find your footing in due time. I tried blogging a couple of times myself….i couldnt really get it going either.
I am doing monthly newsletters now (well, ive done one so far) and it feels less stress than my original blogging.
As for the fitness part: join my next challenge group, set up the app to send you a reminder if you havent logged, lean in on the support and ask for support……
Oh dear. Was I too much?
No no. Absolutely not. I am agreeing with you. I’m going to do what you said. This coaching thing really seems to be your thing. You make a great coach!
Awe. Thanks!! that means a lot. I was struggling before the holidays and wondered if i really wanted to continue….but I do and I am. And ppl like you saying that makes it worth it.
I myself don’t even believe in my inner relationship with God (or how He is helping me) well enough sometimes, which is a reason why I become offended sometimes.
Why Don’t Mental Health Professionals Try to Help You to Believe in Yourself?
Insufficient faith in myself and who I am is why false accusations have often been brutal for me. Insufficient faith is the main reason I found fault with my Master and accused him of not helping me properly.
Psychiatrists don’t tend to try to help you believe in yourself, and they certainly don’t help you believe in the guidance of the Divine.
On January 14, 2017, I asked my friend, who was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and who used to be a psychiatric nurse at a mental hospital:
Her response two days later:
As I said, they caused me mental health problems by causing me to question myself. To make matters worse, they stood in the way of my being able to help my daughter! I couldn’t help her through Family Court because of their skewed opinion of me.
Despite the human tendency to not believe or find fault, I do believe future blog articles will inspire you and maybe even increase your faith. After all, I remained inspired to write these words even after knowing that many people will not believe me or will judge me. The fact that I know God will help me and that it will inspire some people is the reason I decided to start this blog.
Remember to Believe in Yourself
“Disbelief is nothing short of poison. Therefore, it is better to believe and be deceived than not to believe at all. One may appear stupid, but this is better than succumbing to disbelief.”
– Sri Chinmoy
[From: Einstein: Scientist-Sage, Brother of Atom-Universe]
“It is easier to disbelieve than to believe because disbelief is an act of breaking, and belief is an act of building. Building is more difficult than breaking.”
– Sri Chinmoy
[From: The Garland of Nation-Souls]
“Why do you have to believe in a Guru, as long as you believe in yourself? If you have faith in yourself, that means you have faith in something high, divine, pure and immortal. You do not have to believe in a Guru as long as you believe in yourself.”
– Sri Chinmoy
[From: Sri Chinmoy answers, part 11]
No path can be too hard for you
If you have one God-Gift:
Faith in yourself.
– Sri Chinmoy
[From: Song-flowers, part 8]
“What is of paramount importance is your own faith in yourself and in the Lord Supreme. If you have faith in the Supreme, if you have faith in yourself, then the question of falling does not arise. But if you have very little faith in the Supreme, then naturally you will fall. If you have little faith in yourself, then immediately you will fall. If you have only a little faith in the Supreme, you may fall tomorrow; but if you have little faith in yourself, then you will fall at this very moment.”
– Sri Chinmoy
[From: Dipti Nivas]
It is strange that psychiatrists can’t understand the delusive poison involved in my insufficient faith in myself and God, and then confuse the faith I do have (which is based off evidence) with delusion.
If I did believe beyond a shadow of a doubt in my inner relationship with God — so much so that I never became offended or discouraged or angry, I’d be even more deluded? That’s a strange mental health philosophy.
Dr. Nelson herself was practicing what she called a “not an exact science,” yet she was cocksure about her beliefs.
I’m gradually learning, though, that this world is less about the need for people to believe in you and much more about the need for you to believe in yourself and to believe that GOD believes in you. I’ve seen proof of it through my own life. I hope you are as lucky.